As I was highly aware of my image as a teenager, I pigeonholed girls who did not quite make the same effort with appearances as my Others. I was preoccupied with aesthetics and had, by and large, a very shallow view of the world. Comparing my figure to girls of different sizes ignited a triumph inside me and- in spite of still being dissatisfied deep down- made me feel comparatively more beautiful. I thrived off competition both in this sense and academically.
This world was crushed when I broke mentally. The things I held in such high esteem (my slim figure, clear skin, ability to think rapidly and high energy levels) were, in a cruel but crucial twist of fate, reversed during the course of taking mood-stabilising medications. My self was squirming, my identity lost. Who was I? My personal identity was shattered all too quickly as the foundations on which my inner confidence were built were precarious. For something that I clung onto so desperately, my old Self didn't ever make me truly happy.
I'll take this moment to bring in a TED talk that I watched earlier today by Thandie Newton. A powerful point she makes that explains this described realisation perfectly is:
"How many times would my Self have to die before I realised it was never alive in the first place?"(2:32)
There is a much-shared idea that things must fall apart before they fall back together more effectively. In this sense, when we learn to let go of the past and dissociate ourselves from our egos (which stubbornly cling onto our old sense of selves), we are able to re-build the foundations on which our views of our Selves and our Others lie. For me, this is proving to be a rewarding and illuminating process.
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Thandie Newton talk ~ http://www.ted.com/talks/thandie_newton_embracing_otherness_embracing_myself
Transforming Pain Into Strength ~ http://fractalenlightenment.com/26127/spirituality/turning-wounds-into-wisdom-the-power-of-transforming-pain-into-strength
