Oh final year, how you drain me so

It's rare to find one of these amid the final year sea of students. The sea is threatening and unpredictable. Waves of work engulf us and we struggle for breath, choking and spluttering as we drift with the relentless tide. Occasionally, the sea takes a turn for the menacing and a giant wave consumes us in the form of a deadline, perhaps an assessed essay. Other times are misleadingly calm, but the threat of a storm is forever on the horizon. 

I'm lacking energy and losing motivation. I haven't got my act together. 

This year has sucked any spontaneity and fun from my life. It pales into the shadow of my adventurous year abroad. I feel washed-out. In an attempt to maintain a balance I enjoy copious amounts of caffeine, indulge in retail therapy or shimmy out the stress but the drained feeling is omnipresent, flirting with me like a persistent old man in a dodgy pub. 

I'm in need of a glitter shower. 

Stubborn sense of self

I've been thinking more and more recently about the idea of selfhood, triggered by a German literature module i've taken this year. From birth, our selves are named and quickly assigned an identity by the societies we live in, an identity that develops (for the better or worse) as we grow. The sense of Self is completed by a comparison to the Other, a process that reinforces our credibility and superiority. 

As I was highly aware of my image as a teenager, I pigeonholed girls who did not quite make the same effort with appearances as my Others. I was preoccupied with aesthetics and had, by and large, a very shallow view of the world. Comparing my figure to girls of different sizes ignited a triumph inside me and- in spite of still being dissatisfied deep down- made me feel comparatively more beautiful. I thrived off competition both in this sense and academically. 

This world was crushed when I broke mentally. The things I held in such high esteem (my slim figure, clear skin, ability to think rapidly and high energy levels) were, in a cruel but crucial twist of fate, reversed during the course of taking mood-stabilising medications. My self was squirming, my identity lost. Who was I? My personal identity was shattered all too quickly as the foundations on which my inner confidence were built were precarious. For something that I clung onto so desperately, my old Self didn't ever make me truly happy. 

I'll take this moment to bring in a TED talk that I watched earlier today by Thandie Newton. A powerful point she makes that explains this described realisation perfectly is:

"How many times would my Self have to die before I realised it was never alive in the first place?"(2:32)

There is a much-shared idea that things must fall apart before they fall back together more effectively. In this sense, when we learn to let go of the past and dissociate ourselves from our egos (which stubbornly cling onto our old sense of selves), we are able to re-build the foundations on which our views of our Selves and our Others lie. For me, this is proving to be a rewarding and illuminating process. 

~~~

Thandie Newton talk ~ http://www.ted.com/talks/thandie_newton_embracing_otherness_embracing_myself

Transforming Pain Into Strength ~ http://fractalenlightenment.com/26127/spirituality/turning-wounds-into-wisdom-the-power-of-transforming-pain-into-strength

Time to Change

I'm delighted to share that a blog I recently wrote for the Time to Change campaign has been published on their website. TTC is a collaboration of the UK charities Mind and Rethink as they attempt to address the stigma surrounding mental health issues still very much present today. The topic I chose to write about is the wonders (and importance) of talking about psychological issues. 

http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/blog/why-no-one-should-feel-ashamed-talking-about-mental-health

Learning to let the seasons, and the moods, be

Seasons are a vital process, as are our mood cycles.

Looking back at the summer just past, I remember how energetic I felt which was mirrored by the thriving Bavarian countryside around me. I would go for long walks in the vineyards surrounding my university halls and smile under a roof of rich green leaves. Sitting in the city centre by the riverside with the sun warming my bare shoulders would make me feel alive. The air smelt of honeysuckle, barbecue and hope.

The height of summer is enjoyed so acutely as we have a dull but persistent awareness that it is temporary: winter is soon to arrive. In the same way, during every moment of happiness or optimism we know that it will soon falter, as life will inevitably deal us a blow. Yet this knowledge makes these intangible moments so precious, allowing us to value them more; a good mood would not be so intense if it could be plucked and hoarded. 

Aesthetically, summer is colourful and radiant, which is contagious; sun-kissed skin and shiny hair makes us feel more attractive. It doesn’t mean, however, that we should lose confidence when the tan fades and the winter pounds creep on. Take a tree, for example: the branches during whatever season deserve to be admired, regardless of the colour (or even lack) of leaves. 

We appreciate nature throughout the year and enjoy observing its constant development but are all too quick to judge ourselves during difficult moments and fail to notice the beauty of every phase of mood: aren't we also growing during such times? 

This leads to my recent realisation that colder months or lower moods should be accepted in their own way. A frozen lake in the winter has a sense of stillness and shy beauty about it. The ice indisputably has sinister connotations and needs to be treated with caution and the same care needs to be taken with a faltering mood but, left to its own devices, the ice will eventually melt by the first cautious sun rays during the seasonal change. I sometimes go through my own so-called icy mindset but, during such times, I tread carefully and try to accept the present state without rushing myself to change how I feel. 

Seasons are cyclical just like our moods are and both should be accepted during whatever phase. Besides, there is something alluringly beautiful about that still icy lake. 

Photography: my own 

~~~

AngelStarCreations, Divine Timing and Patience ~ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTA7kSQAlkg

Interview

I've been interviewed for the National Student, check it out! : 

http://www.thenationalstudent.com/Living/2014-09-26/Coping_with_university_life_and_mental_health_issues.html